Episode 15: We are the Example
The goal of the show today is to serve as a reminder to myself and anyone else who needs to hear that we are the example for our children. Whether we like it or not, it is still true that our children watch everything that we do. Therefore, if we want to keep any negative cycles from repeating themselves in the lives of our children we have to be the example and make a change in ourselves first.
Today I am going to discuss the importance of self-awareness and making positive changes in your life as a parent. I am specifically going to touch on this in 3 key areas: weight management, divorce and racism. What do all 3 of those topics have in common? The biggest impact on all of them is Parent Influence.
I have also selected those three areas to discuss today because those are all areas that I need to make positive changes in. I will be honest, today’s episode is the result of my processing the murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor and Ahmaud Arbery. I have recently done a lot of thinking, praying, reading and listening. The past two weeks have been a wake up call for me as a white woman living in the U.S. The reason why I have chosen this specific topic today is because I can relate my recent realizations that I have had about my own racial biases back to two other issues that plague me that I more easily identify issues with and that is: issues with food and issues with my spouse. I do not want to pass on any of my negative traits/habits or limiting beliefs about any of these topics to my children. We know from studying each of these topics that if we are not intentional with our self-awareness and our actions that we will pass on negative traits/habits and limiting beliefs.
Many studies have found that children of obese parents are more likely to be obese than children whose parents are not obese. Now, to be fair, part of that may be genetics. However, when you think about divorce…that pretty much seems all nurture, no nature.
To quote a Psychology Today article by Sarah Epstein, she wrote:
“One study by researchers Paul Amato and Danelle Deboer indicated that if a woman’s parents divorced, her odds of divorce increased 69 percent, while if both a husband and wife’s parents divorced, the risk of divorce increased by 189 percent.”
Finally, I have read article after article this week about the unintentional ways that white parents are passing on racism to their kids.
So, what am I going to do about all this? What have I been doing?
The rest of this episode is going to be both a personal confession from me as well as a declaration/call to action for what I’m going to do and if you want to join me, that would be wonderful!
Here is my confession. I struggle in all three areas that I just mentioned. Some of the areas I have been working on for years…and others…well I just joined the party.
First off: weight management: I have struggled with my weight for a long time. I was bulimic from the ages of 12-20. Since then I have healed a lot, however, I still have major body images issues. I do not want my daughter to struggle with her weight. I want her to love her body. But how can she really do that if I am not providing an example for her.
I make an effort to never make negative comments about my body around her or talk about losing weight in front of her
But…if I keep working on myself in this area…she is much more likely to not struggle with her weight and body image
Plus kids learn to eat by watching us
Divorce: I touched on this a little bit in my episode with Marie last week
My parents are divorced and I don’t want to follow in their footsteps
I have started making changes in this area too by going to counseling
Just because I wasn’t taught the best way to fight with my spouse from my parents, it doesn’t mean that I can’t unlearn the negative things they showed and then learn better ways to tackle conflict resolution with my husband
Racism: Lastly and not least. Actually, the opposite: this is the most important part of what I wanted to talk about today
I am an anti-racist and I just showed up to the party two weeks ago.
I am really not proud of that
But I’m going to humble myself and admit it
I did not honestly realize that I had racial biases. Why it took me this long to see it, I don’t know and I’m not proud of that either
I recently watched a live podcast where Cachet Prescott, host of the All Things Unlearned Podcast interview Dr. Maryam Jernigan-Noesi. In the interview they discussed racial trauma.
I highly recommend that you watch or listen to it!
In the episode Dr. Jernigan-Noesi touches on the white racial identity development model that was developed by her mentor Dr. Janet Helms
Dr. Helms said the model was created, “to raise the awareness of white people about their role in creating and maintaining a racist society, and the need for them to act responsibly by dismantling systemic racism through a framework of power and privilege.”
I have been doing more reading on this model and what hit me was the idea of what happens after I examine my own racial biases
Until recently I often pushed back against examining my own racial biases because: well at first I didn’t think I had any, and then after I realized I did I thought: if I give this any airtime in my mind then that means I’m a little bit racist, if that is true then I am a bad person. I really don’t want to be a bad person, I really don’t want to be a racist. So, let’s just ignore that.
This concept that Dr. Jernigan-Noesi highlighted provided another alternative to me:
I could examine my racial biases, instead of hiding from them in shame. I could humble myself to examine the icky part of me that I wish didn’t exist. THEN instead of taking that on as part of me as my identity…I could challenge those biases and change…not only that, but if I make it a habit to challenge my biases…guess who is going to see me do that…my kids!
Then I will do my part to stop this horrible cycle of racism the exact same way that I am doing my part to stop the cycle of divorce and unhealthy body image
In conclusion
The things I talked about today were my confession of areas that I struggle in, but am actively walking toward making changes. I’m doing it to better myself, but I am also doing it to be a good example for my kids
If anything that I said today resonates with you, I would really encourage you to question your own beliefs and biases and ask yourself how well they are serving you. If something isn’t serving you or others well…you can let it go.
Lastly, if you are a white parent who is interested in becoming an ally or a better ally for People of Color, I will point your attention to racial justice leaders and I will link to several recommendations in my show notes for resources that I have found to be very helpful
One of the recommendations I have is to listen to the All Things Unlearned podcast episode that I mentioned with Cachet Prescott and Dr. Jernigan-Noesi
I am also recording an episode with Cachet Prescott soon that I am really excited to share with you all, so be on the lookout for that in the next few weeks!
Recommendations:
Finally, please contact me and let me know what you think about the show today.
Get in touch with me:
Instagram @FindingYourVillage
Facebook @FindingYourVillagePod
Email me at Amanda@findingyourvillagepod.com
Have a great week and stay safe!
**Edit: I said in the episode that I heard the saying about humility from my pastor, Andy Stanley, this is true. However, I realized after I released this episode that the original quote is by C.S. Lewis from the book Mere Christianity, the quote is, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”